Solitude, is it by choice?
A brief smile as you pass someone by, a quick hello to a remembered face, instantly forgotten among the masses. An innocent conversation with an old friend or colleague, who desperately tries to remember who the other person is they are talking to. Inherently, people are always alone and part of the mass at one time. In the memories of others, they are one face among a sea of them, not standing out in the least. In the mind if that person though, it is just them, a single solitary person who feels that they would be remembered by someone. No matter what that person is doing or who they are with, they become lonely, because there is no other person in the world who can directly compare with their experiences, goals, and emotions. In the end, it’s just one person, alone in bed, thinking of all the other masses out there, who are all doing the exact same thing, and wishing there was someone else there they could relate to.
Loneliness takes on all kinds of forms. You can have tons of friends, but still be completely lonely. That’s a scary thought. Because that means that even when you do have people you consider your best friends, you still feel constantly alone. Will you ever be able to not feel alone? What happens when you’re one of these people who feels awkward around other people all the time? So much so that it’s hard to even get out one syllable, and you have a fear of going into certain rooms because you don’t know anyone in there? And what happens when you’re a person who wants to be there in that room and feel okay and be able to just speak up without sounding like an idiot? What do you when you want to, but you can’t?
Maybe it is in your mind. Loneliness. Maybe you just think you’re lonely, but you’re really not. Maybe that observer part of your brain sees it from the outside and thinks you’re lonely. None of this makes sense. But loneliness is a powerful feeling. It can crush a person’s spirit. It can keep you locked inside yourself for so long that you don’t know how to trust people anymore. But then again, maybe it’s the people you’ve wanted to trust who have let you down, and so now you find it hard to trust people. Or maybe you’re just overreacting.
Sometimes you choose to be alone because it’s easy for you to handle. I have many dear friends but I rarely see them – once a year, once every two years. My job has me talking with people everyday about what’s going on in their lives so they become my outlet for conversation. When my wife is away I come home alone and spend my time at home alone. I am alright with that. Too many friends around would be suffocating.